Saturday, June 09, 2012

Androgynous

I am not Androgynous. I have always been a dude. I didn't always think myself a dude. But I am. I am a sensitive dude. I do a pretty good job at not being a asshole. I try not to be super macho. But I am still a dude.

I struggled with it for a long time. I wanted to be the ultimate S.N.A.G. (Sensitive New Age Guy). But I wasn't. I didn't feel comfortable with that. I was too sensitive, it came off as bull shit to myself. I did things in secret because of it. At home I would try to be the ultimate boy friend. I would do all the right things. But then I would be a womanizing drunk on the road. Eventual, it traveled its way back with me to home. I hurt a lot of people, including myself, because of it.

In recent years I have come to terms with my dudeness. I have tried to be happier with myself and do things that make me happy. I have had my failings, in trying to be more honest with myself and others. But I try.

Recently, I exited myself from a relationship that had become unhealthy. I think it started out from a unhealthy stand point. I ignored the signs. I wasn't honest with myself about my strengths and weaknesses. I wasn't honest with what I could handle. I put myself in a situation, that I shouldn't have. I forgot to continue my self work.

I say, "I am not going to beat myself up about it." But I have. One of my most recent inspirations to keep doing better by me, has been my friend Tom Gable who is now known as Laura Jane Grace (of Against Me!). She most recently had a lovely interview published in Rolling Stone about her struggles within herself. Struggling to accept ones self is not unique to any one person. But having someone share their story is reaffirming. (Thank you Laura, for sharing.)

Life if anything, is about being honest to ones self. If you are a dude, be dude. If you are a lady be a lady. If you are a dude who likes dudes, go for it. You like to get down with the ladies, while wearing furry costumes, get to it. Whatever it is that is your true self, be it. Be careful with your self. Have compassion for your self and others. That is what I am relearning.

I can be a sensitive dude. I don't have to be a macho dude. I also don't have to be a doormat to be sensitive. I just have to be true to myself.

Revolution, Self Style, NOW!

Cheers,

D

PS please enjoy this Youtube clip I found of Joan Jett and Against Me!

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